January 15, 2020
So why are we talking circles around it?
Because, at some level, the experience itself is unimportant. I was young, I was dumb, he was an asshole.
What is important is the ramifications. What is important is the fact that I have to live with the person I became when I was disabused of all of those silly, romantic notions of implied consent and this strange idea that I could just stop an act, even if it meant lying.
Lying always worked so well with your dad, did it?
No, and now I was finding out that this was the case in relationships beyond just typefucking. It made me realize, on some level, how superficial my interactions up until this point had been. I had gone from being the type of person who believed she was living an earnest life with earnest people, enjoying deep relationships, falling in love.
Were you not?
Perhaps I was on some level, but I was missing this key component: that my actions have consequences.
Not that I’m blaming myself for what happened, of course. I was young, I was dumb, he was an asshole, after all. But non-action is still an action. Not saying no was still an action. Being unwilling to learn about the fact that my actions have consequences was an action.
It called into question how passive I had been in the past. It called into question how little I had been saying no in the past. It called into question how little I had actually learned about how the world worked.
“Coming to terms with being a terrible person,” you wrote.
Yes, and I wrote that in the thick of this realization. At that point, I was coming to terms with all of these things, the passivity and the willful ignorance.
I was coming to terms with how much I was hurting those around me, and just how much I had to learn.
And boy howdy.
Yeah. I would continue to hurt those around me for years. I still do. I’m getting better, though. I’m willing to learn, now.
“I cannot possibly bow low enough, I cannot possibly apologize with enough sincerity to make up for the hurt I’ve caused you,” you wrote.
Yes. And I stand by it.
I have much to learn, but I’ve come a long ways from who I used to be.
The specifics of what happened aren’t really important. What is important is the moment before, and the moment after.
The blackbird whistling, or just after.