January 15, 2020
Do you think that you are asexual because you were raped?
No.
That was quick.
No, I can promise you that, if there is a simple cause for me being ace (and there emphatically isn’t), it’s my reliance on TS. I found sex confusing, baffling, and kind of gross long before I had my own little struggle with consent.
Being ace, being autochorissexual, even if I didn’t have the words for it, even if I didn’t believe in such a thing, even if such a thing couldn’t possibly apply to me, was the case from the very beginning of my embodied sexual interactions. It was the case from the very beginning. It was the case from when I lost my virginity, however slippery the concept is.
Ah yes, was it the first time you masturbated with someone? Was it the first time you had oral sex? Anal?
Life’s complicated for a gay boy.
So much easier for a trans girl.
We’ve been over that.
Fair enough. Do you think that being raped prevented you from coming to terms with your asexuality?
I think so, yes.
Less quick.
It’s unclear to me. It’s something of a new thought I’ve had lately. Was part of what kept me struggling and striving to have a healthy sexual existence due to me trying to overcome this aspect of my past?
Beyond that, was TIASAP me accepting that I wasn’t succeeding?
Perhaps.
Perhaps. Perhaps you needed exposure to a certain level of knowledge surrounding identity before you could truly accept it. Perhaps you needed to circle around it like you’re circling around the event at hand. Perhaps you needed to side-eye it, because looking at it directly would surely blind you. It was too bright. It was the wrong color, some impossible shade of blue. It made your head hurt and your gorge rise.
Perhaps.