June 11, 2020
And so I continue to fail and I continue to not forgive myself, because that’s just the way it works.
Must it?
Of course not. In fact, it mustn’t, but reality — or at least the mind — cares little for musts and must-nots. The only unforgivable one is the I.
To bring this all together at last, running Hybrid was predicated on me being able to afford to pay authors. Being able to pay authors required a tech job. That I had failed at having a tech job, whether due to the circumstances of the economy or to my own burnout, meant that I had essentially failed at Hybrid.
The company is in limbo now. I can’t afford to pay authors, and yet some are under contract, so I’m investigating contract cancellation forms. All but one of the anthologies is likely to be cancelled, and that one only due to the fact that the folks at Furplanet were interested enough in Genderful to try and make it a reality.
That I have failed at running the company has killed my interest in running it any further. Jill’s book needs editing and a cover. She’s under contract, right? I need to do this and yet, and yet…
And yet you can’t because engaging even with the positive side of the company means facing your failures all the way on the other side. It means recognizing the ways in which you’ve fallen short.
Yes.
And yet, even though working with Furplanet on Genderful is one hundred percent a positive thing, you haven’t pulled together the stories and started reading yet or come up with a formal agreement between Hybrid and FP for the same reason.
Yes.
This is the true failure.
Yes. Not the anthologies failing, not the countless problems involved in running a business, but the complete inability to engage with concrete failures. The concrete failure of the anthologies has roots in the one true failure of being unable to ask for help, even when it is well and truly given, whether by Furplanet or by Scribbles or by my partners. It is an abstract failure, and for that, all the more insidious. One cannot escape abstract failures. One cannot solve them through concrete steps.
Unemployment is a concrete problem. COBRA is a concrete problem. Burnout is a more abstract problem, sure, but one with concrete solutions.
The core of the issue is the inability to set aside the requirement for control and engage with abstract failures. The will is there. The desire is there. The need is there, but the ability is not.
Not yet.