February 23, 2020
Does my dad know that I’m trans? Does he truly, truly know? Does he accept it?
Does my dad know know about HRT? About surgery?
Does my dad know I’m poly? Is that something he has internalized?
Does my dad know about self-harm? Does he know about suicide? Has he seen the scars?
Does he know about you?
Does it matter?
The joy that I felt at his response is tempered by a whole new set of anxieties.
Did you feel joy?
Honestly? Yeah.
It was a relief, in a way to see that he was not the dad I grew up with. That I could see change in him is not only something that’s good for our relationship, but also something that makes me feel better about myself. It makes me think that I, too, have the ability to change, to grow and become a better person.
Was that in doubt?
Yes.
Really? Given this project? The core theme of the death of Matthew?
Oh yes. So many times when I was writing about that, it felt like I was writing about someone else. I feel so stuck sometimes. So static. It’s easy to lose perspective until it’s rubbed in your face.
Will you talk to him about your anxieties?
Yes. After hearing back from him, I think I probably should, too.
Just over time.
Slowly.
Carefully.