February 23, 2020
Why?
Why what?
Why send this? Why email your dad? Why now?
This project, mostly.
My fault?
Well, maybe the book’s. The possibility that he may wind up with a copy.
I talk about my dad off and on during therapy. I suppose he comes up with some frequency because of all the hangups I still have. It seems like ever few months I’ll discover a new one.
Ain’t that just the way of things.
I think it’s a credit to my therapist, honestly. Were I paying all that money to simply go chat about my week with someone, getting nothing out of it but company, I’d feel quite let down by the whole process. That I’m coming away from sessions with improved understandings of myself is a good thing.
That said, a lot of the time those therapy sessions where dad has come up have been productive mostly for me understanding the present through my past without necessarily moving forward.
Do you blame your therapist for that?
Of course not. She’s wonderful, and has helped me out a ton.
I just also think that she’s got a different approach to this than you do. Or I do. Whatever.
Whatever.
On her end, she is happy to help me explore and offer suggestions, but she’s less keen on beating me up. She is an ally, yes, but a bit more of a friend than you are. She is happy to help me move forward, but also happy to let me just learn.
“I think at some point I just need to accept that it’s not worth the trouble trying to reconnect with him,” you said.
Yes, to which she responded, “I suppose that’s true, though is that something you’d recommend others who are transitioning?”
“Yes,” was my immediate response. “At some point, with family, it has to be okay to make the cost-benefit analysis and decide whether it’s even worth it to keep trying.”
And did you make that analysis?
Yes.
And was it worth it?
No.
So, why the sudden change of heart? Why now?
That Madison — the one who struggled to square living earnestly with lying to dad — is dying. She may have died already. Maybe she died on August 9th of last year, when she first decided to summon her ally.